just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
