i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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