you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
