I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
