I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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