Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
