remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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