why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
