Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
