I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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