You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
