Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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