oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
