don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
