You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
