So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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