it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
