HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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