does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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