Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
4 words: hood of his car
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
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so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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