we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
