that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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