If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
