I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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