he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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