there's paper in my vomit.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
