So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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