She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I touched a dick in church today
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”