Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She has the best kind of daddy issues