my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
