My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
