do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
