Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
