she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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