I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
