if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
ttyl tear gas
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
