We named our party play list daddy issues
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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