Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
