The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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