I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
