I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
