i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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