My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
