apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
