pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
