she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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