At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
