i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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