tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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