note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
