Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
