i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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