Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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