It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
