thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
